A Human Car Wreck
It is a cliché that has been uttered hundreds of times by the greatest announcer in wrestling history, Jim Ross. Anytime there is a ladder match, hardcore match, or anything outrageous happens, this would be his go-to descriptive sentence for the carnage in and around the ring. Trevor Lee, Low Ki, and Andrew Everett made this phrase fitting. It was fast-paced, hard-hitting, and everything that Ultimate X was designed for. A chair was used, Low Ki took a hellacious kick to the face, and the match was in a constant state of flux, the way a Main Event should be. In the end, it would be Low Ki who would climb to the middle of the ring and grab the belt suspended 10 feet above the middle of the six-sided canvas. All of the things that didn’t quite make sense in the show were made up by bookending the show with two excellent matches.
LUCHA! LUCHA! LUCHA!
It is quite uncommon for a North American wrestling promotion to open the show with 2 Latino tag teams. I don’t understand why this is. The bad dudes of LAX played their roles to a T, and the team of Laredo Kid and Garza Jr. are very underrated. It was pretty obvious the Impact Tag Team Champions, being a part of the dominating LAX, were on a collision course with the Veterans of War, especially after last week. Although, having the Tag Champs lose in the first round would be a terrible idea. Impact/TNA is no stranger to terrible decisions (they hired Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff on a number of occasions), so there was no overwhelming favorite. Maybe it was the fact that I genuinely had no idea, but the match was stellar. It wasn’t quite the “instant classic” we had a few weeks ago with Evan Bourne and Andrew Everett, but it was still really good, and a lot better than some dudes named Osprey and Ricochet. LAX had some amazing moves, including Diamante nailing a huge Huricanrana and the Code Red by Santana. I wouldn’t say they were diving, but Randall Orton would have been impressed.
If you (censored) her off…
Laurel Van Ness is nuts, like certifiably nuts. And for some reason, Kongo Kong is under her spell. While Sutter pushed the large man, or the big fat bully as Sutter would call him, Kong was able to hit a high impact cross body into one of the six corners and a Suplex that looked like he was tossing up a blow-up doll. In the post-match “celebration” Sienna and KM came down to share the love with Braxton Sutter. Mahabali Shera made the same, and the tag team match was set. It is basic match making at its finest and doesn’t seem to be the worst thing, albeit predictable. But as long as I can stare at Allie and enjoy the antics of Hot Mess Van Ness, I’ll be happy.
I don’t know anymore.
There are times when watching a show, that suspending disbelief is difficult. We all know it is predetermined, but as fans, we want to just enjoy the show. There were two things that hurt my brain when they took place, and they happened in the same segment. Karen Jarrett said there was nothing she has done to Keep Eddie and Alicia Edwards and Angelina Love and Davey Richards apart. This feud has been going on for weeks. So, if she was truly determined to end it, you would think we would see a cage match, or something so epic that the feud would end. Nope. Karen Jarrett’s genius idea: A Mixed Tag Match. That is Karen Jarrett’s master plan.
And then, literally with her next breath, she walks off, only to meet the chest of Magnus. Mind you, she is backstage. Magnus, has no plan to wrestle tonight. He was just talking to Bruce Prichard backstage IN THE SEGMENT BEFORE! So, when she bumps into the former Global Force Wrestling Champion, she exclaims “What is he doing back here?!” Well Karen, where is he supposed to be, Detroit?
Sorry, Not Sorry
Thirty lashes to his back and continual mocking from EC3 has exacerbated the issue. Storm came out like gangbusters and took it to Dixie’s nephew. But that is about all the offense Storm would get in as EC3 was in control for most of the next 10 minutes. When Storm did get the upper hand on the outside, he doubled EC3 over the barricade outside and, for some inexplicable reason, someone had a loose belt at ringside. As he was going to give Carter a taste of his own medicine, Magnus stopped him. Out came Prichard with referees and they eject Magnus from ringside.
Ok, I am going to stop right here. This rivalry is young. It is as hot as any rivalry going in the business. So why, in such a pivotal match, would you give away a meeting between these two on free TV? Why was Magnus at ringside in the first place? Why did Bruce Prichard have to come out and eject Magnus, when the referee could have done the exact same thing? Nothing about the 10 minutes before this match, or this match made any sense. This is some booking you would have seen in a Russo run show. But I digress…
Ethan Carter the Third was in control and hit to TC3’s on James Storm before grabbing a belt. When referee Brian Stiffler stopped him from whipping Storm again, the belt was turned to Stiffler. Carter whipped him like a drunk father who just got a bad report card. Storm then regained consciousness and took to EC3. Then Magnus comes out and goes for Storm. So naturally, we see Bruce again. He makes a match to crown a number one contender. Except when Prichard made the match, he quickly reneged on the deal. But nonetheless, he made a three-way match next week between Carter, Storm, and Magnus. And for no explicable reason, Bruce Prichard told a man who just whipped two grown men in the ring that he had no balls. Brother Love might be insane. That was a ridiculous move that made no sense, but this seems to be the theme for tonight.
He is BAAAAAAAACK!
If you have been a listener to the Caps Locks and Chair Shots Podcast (can be found on YouTube and SoundCloud), you know the dudes have been clamoring for the return of Joseph Park to represent Jeremy Borash to reinstate him back to the Announce Desk. This is exactly what happened. Then, in typical Josh Mathews Grade A heelness, he called out Joseph Park for being Abyss. Joseph Park then challenged Josh to a fight, with JB, in a tag match at Slammiversary. No idea if it is going to be Abyss or Joseph Park, but Josh must find a partner and left the commentary desk to get one. A podcast started here on RealSport called a major Impact storyline a month before it was taped.
Line of the night: “My resume is as long as my arm, and I wish it was as long as something else!” – Magnus
- Santana and Ortiz (with Konnan, Diamonte, and Homicide) defeated Garza Jr. and Laredo Kid via pinfall 4.25 Stars
- Kongo Kong (with Laurel Van Ness) defeated Braxton Sutter (with Allie) via pinfall 2.5 Stars
- James Storm defeated Ethan Carter III via disqualification 1.75 Stars because the whole two segment match made no sense whatsoever
- Sienna defeated ODB to retain the GFW Women’s Championship via pinfall 2.25 Stars
- Low Ki defeated Andrew Everett and Trevor Lee to retain the X Division Championship in an Ultimate X match 4.5 Stars