It’s New Year’s Eve, and that means most of us will be posting Facebook statuses proclaiming what resolutions we will commit to for 2016 – and this year, we’ll definitely stick to them this time, right? That said, maybe it’s about time that NFL teams started making resolutions, and unlike the rest of us, maybe even stick to them! We’ve got a suggestion for every team as to what they should be pledging to do in 2016, arranged by divisions – enjoy!
Arizona Cardinals: Keep being brilliant
The Cardinals are #1 in our Power Rankings. They are the most watchable team in the NFL. Why change anything?
San Francisco 49ers: Find a new local rival
With the Oakland Raiders likely off to Los Angeles the 49ers are left all alone in the bay area. The Arizona Cardinals are their closest divisional rival at a mere 750 miles away. The Seahawks are 800 miles away but the fire of that rivalry has dissipated since Jim Harbaugh left. Maybe they could turn up to Oracle Arena and start a fight with Steph Curry….
Seattle Seahawks: Run at the goal line next time
St. Louis Rams: Move on from Jeff Fisher
Fisher seems to have a weird power over NFL owners. Maybe its the full, luxurious mustache or maybe it’s just he got to a Superbowl once but he’s a mediocre Head Coach at best. He has lost the 4th most games as a head coach in history. He’s just 14 games over .500 in a 20 year career! Move on from him St. Louis, if only for the sake of Aaron Donald and Todd Gurley.
Chicago Bears: Disconnect Adam Gase’s phone
Of all the coordinators who might get head coaching offers I like Gase the most. He managed to temper Jay Cutler’s natural desire to throw interceptions and has found a way to keep the offense ticking with some awful blocking at times and an injured group of receivers. He is exactly the kind of up and coming coach that teams like Cleveland will court but Chicago need to keep him in town as long as possible.
Detroit Lions: Just be less Detroit-like
The Lions started the season 1-7. They were truly abysmal. Fans were back in brown bags and lamenting life. But at least they could look forward to a #1 pick and a chance to rebuild. Now? The Lions have gone 5-2 since and sit at 13th in draft order. THIRTEENTH!! The 2nd half might be enough to save Jim Caldwell his job which is even more galling than watching Ndamukong Suh and Nick Fairley tear it up for other teams. The Lions can’t even be terrible properly.
Green Bay Packers: Discount Double Check their offense
Aaron Rodgers has finally run out of ways to cover up the problems with Green Bay’s offense. The blocking nearly got him killed against the Cardinals and the wide receivers can’t get open. If Green Bay don’t fix it they will crash out of the playoffs sooner than their insurance-schilling QB deserves.
Minnesota Vikings: Find the real Cordarrelle Patterson
His rookie season was full of promise. Last year he was barely used and now he’s disappeared in a puff of smoke. Where or where has that 1st round pick gone!?
Atlanta Falcons: Take player safety less seriously
It’s a big problem in Atlanta. They take it so seriously they won’t even hit an opposing QB!! And forget hitting receivers over the middle! This care for their opponents has prevented them from being a true contender in the NFL and it’s something the front office should resolve to change.
Carolina Panthers: Get Cam some help
Ted Ginn Jr can only drop so many passes before Cam gives him away to a kid in the stands as well. Sure, Kelvin Benjamin will be back next year but it can’t just be him and Greg Olsen doing all the heavy lifting.
New Orleans Saints: Play defense
It was a bold strategy to go the whole 2015 season without playing any defense at all and it hasn’t worked for the Saints.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Get a better pass defense
Tampa have two of the very best defensive players going in Gerald McCoy and Lavonte David, and they deserve more than watching opposing QB’s carve up the secondary every weekend. Get a better pass rush or get some coverage guys in.
Dallas Cowboys: Get Jerry Jones laser eye surgery
His glasses are obviously not working if he thinks this mess of a Cowboys team is close to doing anything other than driving its fans mad.
New York Giants: Keep Odell Beckham away from baseball stadiums
There’s lots of good baseball in the summer around New York, but you don’t want him getting all defensive at the sight of those bats and being suspended again.
Philadelphia Eagles: Take things slow with their next relation-chip
Chip Kelly’s firing was unsurprising. They handed him the keys to the castle and he proceeded to rip it down and build a fast-food restaurant in it’s place. Next time maybe don’t give a 1st time NFL head coach GM powers as well, no matter how fast he claims his offense moves.
Washington Redskins: Change your name
Seriously, It’s time Dan Snyder. Get it done.
New England Patriots: Don’t cheat this time!
Or at least don’t get caught…..
New York Jets: Lay off the defensive linemen
We all overindulge sometimes. It happens. But for the Jets it’s been a year after year issue. And sure, Leonard Williams, Sheldon Richardson and Muhammad Wilkerson are great players but they really need to stay away from those big, tempting first round defensive linemen come draft day this year.
Miami Dolphins: Just be relevant
Miami haven’t had a winning record since 2008. Despite that fact, some talking heads picked them to win the AFC East in the pre-season. That quickly died with a whimper and they fired Joe Philbin. Maybe 2016 will be the year they break out… Or maybe they will be around .500 again and boring to watch.
Buffalo Bills: Play fair!
Buffalo are the most penalized team in the NFL this season with 1,204 yards against them. If they want to make the playoffs maybe they should stop putting themselves in an 80 yard hole every game….
Indianapolis Colts: Don’t leave everything to Luck
It feels like the last few years the Colts plans have been “1. Draft Andrew Luck. 2 ??? 3. Win Superbowl!”. Filling in that #2 spot is key. Maybe they should provide him with some better blocking rather than a 4th receiver so he can have time in the pocket or a running game. Maybe build the defense up so he doesn’t have to score 30 points every week. Whatever it is leaving it all up to Luck obviously isn’t working.
Houston Texans: Sign more than just ex-Patriots
Seriously, there are so many former Pats on the Texans right now they might as well start cheating too. I know the Patriots are good but that doesn’t mean everything out of Foxboro is gold. Bill O’Brien (HC), Romeo Crennel (DC), Mike Vrabel (LB coach) roam the sidelines; Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallet fought it out during pre-season for the QB spot, Vince Wilfork is there eating the state out of BBQ ribs. Get an original idea Houston!
Tennessee Titans: Find a way to run the ball
It turns out that Chris Johnson didn’t become terrible, the Titans did. While CJ2K found success in Arizona the Titans have been abysmal at running the ball this year. That needs to change if they want to get the most out of Mariota.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Move to the UK
Let’s face it, there is far more excitement and interest in the Jaguars over here than there is in America. It’s time they stopped flirting with a change and took the plunge.
Baltimore Ravens: Never wear Purple & Yellow together again
Please. It will make everyone’s life far better if they were to never revisit this awfulness.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Draft some defensive backs
The Steelers offense has been brilliant almost all season, but the defense has been a big let down thanks mostly to a terrible secondary. They’re currently going to miss the playoffs which would be a big disappointment.
Cleveland Browns: Get a good QB
This resolution will probably last until day 2 of the draft when they pick yet another terrible passer who will lead them to a 4-12 record.
Cincinnati Bengals: Win a playoff game
The Bengals haven’t won a playoff game since January 6th 1991. Among the things that have happened since then: The USSR collapsed. The Boston Red Sox won THREE World Series. Operation Desert Storm. 4 Star Wars films! LA had 2 football teams in ’91!!
Denver Broncos: Trade the old ride in for a newer model
It’s time to say goodbye to Peyton Manning. Injuries have crushed his production the last 2 seasons and Brock Osweiler has shown enough to be given a full pre-season as “the guy”.
Kansas City Chiefs: Beat someone good
9 wins in a row is great, but the Browns, Ravens, Chargers and Raiders are hardly quality teams. Losses to Cincinnati, Green Bay, Denver and the Vikings still loom over this team and stop people taking them seriously.
Oakland Raiders: Don’t change, you’re doing fine
Oakland are actually on the right track for the first time in a long time. They’re competitive (mostly), they have a quarterback who isn’t a dumpster fire, they have a monster pass rusher. Other than the fact their team might leave Oakland fans have to be pretty happy.
San Diego Chargers: Stop trying to kill Phil Rivers
I mean, I get it. He’s a bit of a dick. He has way too many kids. But he’s also a really good QB who deserves a fate better than being crushed to death by free pass rushers.